An Irrational Breakdown Of The New York Knicks Pre-Season


The New York Knicks pre-season schedule was released yesterday. Less than 2 months until basketball! Let’s take a somewhat irrational look at the schedule and make some serious predictions about October New York Knickerbockers basketball.

October 9th at Boston Celtics in LOVELY Providence, Rhode Island - In order to quell his critics who are worried he will turn away from small ball, Mike Woodson starts Ray Felton-Beno Udrih-Pablo Prigioni-Iman Shumpert and Carmelo Anthony at center. The Celtics edge the Knicks out by 3 and then promptly trade MarShon Brooks who goes off for 28 points in his alma mater’s gym. Brooks is sent to the Sacramento Kings for a 2018 unprotected 2nd round pick, which Bill Simmons approves of in his Trade Machine because “Brad Stevens will do Brad Stevens things if left with too much talent and he must allow the Celtics to avoid winning more than 15 games. TANKING IS THE METRIC THAT MAKES SENSE COROLLARY.”

October 11th at Toronto Raptors - “I’m coming home…I’m coming home.” Just picture it with Andrea Bargnani replacing Carmelo Anthony in the video below…

“Toronto was kind of a cool place”

“I always wanted to be the next Morris Peterson”

“Basketball was probably the fourth most popular sport here”

- Andrea Bargnani

Bargnani scores 15 points and grabs 4 rebounds to the deafening boos of 2,800 mildly interested fans.

October 12th at Boston Celtics in Manchester, NEW HAMPSHIRE - A show-down in the hotbed of American basketball. MANCHESTER! The Forgotten City. Home of Low Taxes. The White Plains of New England. The city that houses basketball institutes like Granite State College, Hesser College and of course MCPHS (Manchester College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences). The Celtics beat the Knicks by 4 because Mike Woodson rests Carmelo Anthony, Iman Shumpert, Tyson Chandler, Ray Felton, Amare Stoudemire, and Andrea Bargnani. Boston immediately trades Jeff Green after the game, following his 32 point, 11 rebound performance. They receive back a protected 2nd round pick in 2019.

October 17th at Washington Wizards in Baltimore - The suddenly feisty Wizards fall to the Knicks, who are led by a big game from rookies Tim Hardaway Jr and CJ Leslie. This performance in a meaningless game leads to a series of articles on how the Knicks will be just fine without JR Smith and how there is no need to rush him back. Smith dislikes the articles, tweets something inappropriate and is fined 15K by David Stern while Mike Woodson strokes his goat-tee in disapproval.


October 21st at Toronto Raptors - At Toronto, AGAIN?! What did Drake make this pre-season schedule? Regardless, Andrea Bargnani stays behind in New York for this game because he has had enough Canadian booing for one October. Steve Novak hits four threes but holds his Discount Double Check belt celebration after Ron Artest stares at him menacingly.

October 23rd at Milwaukee Bucks in Green Bay - The Knicks don’t even make the trip…either do the Bucks and nobody in the area notices.

October 25th vs. Charlotte at MSG - Renovations be damned! The Knicks close out the pre-season with a 40 point romp over the Bobcats led by Jeremy Tyler who drops in 27 points and grabs 15 rebounds. Mike Woodson is so inspired by the big man, he decides to forsake small-ball and make the Knicks opening day starting line-up Tyson Chandler, Amare Stoudemire, Andrea Bargnani, Kenyon Martin and Carmelo Anthony. SO MUCH HEIGHT!

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